Just some thoughts...

Lately, or throughout my life actually, I feel like I have constantly been in a war to love myself and to be completely comfortable with everything God gave me from head to toe, inside and out… basically to be confident and comfortable in my own skin. Time after time I would just sit in my room feeling dumb, unattractive, and useless, but I also know wallowing in my own self-pity will never really get me anywhere either. So I choose to fight… I fight the urge to feel self-pity and overcome it with the reality that I am actually pretty awesome and, as stupid as this sounds, that I am special. These fights within myself are never easy but I feel as if I every time I win another one of these battles I am that much closer to winning the war of being happy with who I am and how I was made. From my own observation, no matter how smart, beautiful or successful someone may seem to be to the naked eye, I don’t think that this issue is really all that easy for anyone. A few questions that I constantly ask myself: What is intelligence? What is beauty? What is success? Is it our job to define our own intelligence, beauty, and success? How does one really set a standard as to how we do that? At first, these questions may be simple, but after a deeper look they may seem unanswerable. Maybe not being able to answer those questions is the point… because there are no right answers.

Another thing that has been on my mind is the constant urge to reach my goals. As stupid and obvious as it sounds, we all have goals we want to reach and, more than not, reaching those goals can be extremely difficult. I seem to always be anxious and constantly trying to do everything I can to get to my goals. I feel as if it’s so close I can just feel it. Nonetheless, I still am not there and for the time being, it seems as though everything I do is just not enough. But it is only in my best interest to believe that I will get there sooner or later. I have to pick myself up every time I think I have failed. And to constantly truck it when I am feeling down and feeling like I want to give up. There has been so many times where I have just wanted to give up because it gets too hard, but something keeps me going. Maybe it’s the image of the day when all my hard work, time, sweat, and blood will finally pay off keeps me going, or maybe it’s the mere fact that I have gotten even as far as I have, why give up now? I have to learn to enjoy the journey and to pride myself with the fact that even if I never reach my goals, I will at least die knowing that I was continually trying… Never giving up is reaching one your goals in it self. I’m not going down without a fight and let me tell you this; I don’t plan on going down… period.